light at the end of the tunnel

So surreal being one way for so long.
And then just suddenly coming to an acceptance that maybe.
This isn't the way things are suppose to be.
Well not exactly anyway.
But who's to say what's really wrong or right?
Society.Experience.Or do you just go with that gut feeling?
I've had indirect direction dictated to me all my life from a Christian background.
And at many points in my life I've leaned towards that faith.
Even when I wasn't in accordance with much of the beliefs which is more times than less.
However these last years of my life have been extremely significant.
Moreover the people around me.
I've had encounters with what I believed was really love.
Irregardless of popular belief.
Far from perfection or the outline of what one should be.
Comfortablity to unwavering effect in all presences.

From first encounter all the way through.
To be called out on shortcomings.
Yet still cherished.
Despite what may come.
Sometimes improvement and readily made commitments tried.
Something rarely practiced.
Maybe if I didn't know better all these promises would have followed through.
It's impossible to truly love two.
Self sacrifice was always something I could emmulate.
To be placed first each time.
To serve me like I served you.
If not at my side.
Always an instant call away.
Salvation without hesitation.
Because that love didn't boast.
100% given and if possible 100% fallen short.
Wanted beyond measure.
Loved so big it confuses.
Too much of anything isn't good.
Learnt this the hard way.
Love pushed me away.
I loved too hard even if the replay didn't appear that way.
So I often gambled.
And layed my head in places I was forbidden to stay.
It's one thing to be loved but another to be respected.
100% given and if possible 100% fallen short.
Imagine from bliss.
To being forgivenly dismissed.
Placed to associate with brokenness, hurt, and anger.
To question How did we get here?
Answer the question from it's conception.
Love cannot exist without respect in all its form.
All must genuinely want the same.
Communication gained.
Guessing strains love's reins.
To push and pull just as hard to gain.
Never an easy thing.
People are made individuals for that reasoning.
Individuality compliments another when love is present.
I miss.
Unrequited-requited love in it's most ridiculous form.
But I need to be made strong.

This place.
Something new.
Learning things I thought I knew.
I am stubborn,complicated,rude,defiant and selfish.
Yet still clinging.
Bearer of bad news.
I am no good.
I've broken you.
It would be easier to stay where someone old knew.
Even if all wrongs were never right.
I wanted to be pushed like I was.
Made to exist.
It's obscure finally getting what you ask for.
From a source unknown.
Unexpectancy at it's best.
Thread unfamiliar ground.
I muse awhile longer.