A Poem for Swingers by Charles Bukowski

I like women who haven’t lived with too many men.
I don’t expect virginity but I simply prefer women
Who haven’t been rubbed raw by experience.

There is a quality about women who choose
Men sparingly;
It appears in their walk
In their eyes
In their laughter and in their
Gentle hearts.

Women who have had too many men
Seem to choose the next one
Out of revenge rather than with
Feeling.

When you play the field selfishly everything
Works against you:
One can’t insist on love or
Demand affection.
You’re finally left with whatever
You have been willing to give
Which often is:
Nothing.

Some women are delicate things
Some women are delicious and
Wondrous.

If you want to piss on the sun
Go ahead
But please leave them
Alone.

This is now

Alot can make a heart so cruel
Ruthless and unwilling to rule
After all the wrong the right will come along
I fight to keep Love alive
In a place so frigid and cold
This heart's destroyed
And every beat seems so much less than the one before
Someday the one will come
Until then I fight to keep a beaten heart beat alive.

slowy madly deeply

That's the way my love's for you
Though we sometimes
Wish things differently
This hearts' mastered the art
Much more than perfectly

I'll say the things that need to be heard
And I promise I'll listen when its your turn
But my heart you
May no longer lure
To disgrace and betray

It's been tried
And continually
Proven true
Only to you

This is a final chance
To prove yours can be too
Let's try
Slowly, madly, deeply
Love its me and you

the wickedest lesson in history

Still no difference nor new moves made
When left to your own devices
You are the same
Untamed and mesmerized by the game

When your attempt at resolution
Is forgotten as you drift asleep
You're never meaningful
When you speak to me

I hope this you
Will be one you never regret
As for me
I'm not afraid anymore
There is no mistake
For what God allows undone

I am my own life's lesson
As you are continually drawn
To the virtual comforts of others
That you'll surely manifest into flesh
I must find resolution
And soothing elsewhere

I remember a time before
You told that even in the end
Still you wouldn't want to let go
This resonates aloud
Maybe your end for us was long ago

My dreams are haunted by your favorite girls
And there your arms arch her back
Your fingers caress her curves
Night after night you are hers

I awake with tears
Drowning in a past love
Swiftly Lord order my steps
No one deserves a love like this

down but not out

I've always embraced the statement 'to err is human and to forgive is divine', this I really always believed. Though sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness they're afforded it nonetheless. Yet some people don't deserve forgiveness because there is no true remorse for their wrong-doings. I guess the best example would be to persons who are imprisoned and have out-right admitted to the crimes but are not convicted within themselves. Many convicted felons would say they aren't sorry for the crime they committed. However I am speaking from the stand point of relationships and forgiveness therein. Relationships seem to be one of the biggest fails of mankind. From the creation of Adam and Eve, relationships were misunderstood. Adam and Eve failed one another and most of all God, but there was no forgiveness there. God removed them immediately from the Garden of Eden which he promised because of disobedience and in turn all mankind suffered in sin. Sometimes there is no room for forgiveness. Some may rule, that God later sent grace and forgiveness through his Son and the Holy Spirit but the wrong-doing of Adam and Eve's sin could never be over-shadowed mankind is a bondage of strong holds.

I've been the forgiver and most definately the forgiven in my own personal relationships. I can admit to some of my own that is certain but honestly apologies are worthless if the actions that follow are not sincere. I know its a big assumption to say that most apologies aren't sincere but I really believe they aren't especially in relationships. People are always aware of their actions and can identify with how they would react if the tables were turned so to speak. I understand that some things happen without real thought of consequence. We make mistakes because of our own human natures but it is unfair to say "I'm only human". You're right but so is the other 2.5+ billion people on planet earth, thus your argument is over-ruled. I believe that in relationships people chose to manipulate each others emotions by abusing each others weaknesses and care for the other. Which just goes to show the sincerity was never there to begin with especially where remorse should now be present. I believe if you are given a chance to make things right after mistake and you follow along that same path ultimately the action will be repeated or will become worse. I've been guilty of such many times but I've grown much and now I feel I'm at a point in life where I'd appreciate true genuineness and sincerity without agenda a love that has my best interest at heart.

Some people believe that humans are actually good at heart and then there is the other side that believe human beings are creatures of betrayal and opportunity. I am the difference I believe human beings are both it's just by choice what you allow yourself to become despite background, circumstance or experience in the end inevitably you make the choice of who you allow yourself to become. I promised myself along time ago that no matter the experiences I am afforded I will never become a bitter person. I still believe in a heart of love and faithfulness. I know it's real that you can feel your heart not beat as strong as it once did, you can sit and feel a broken heart in your chest, you can ly down and not sleep because of the hurt and pain your heart can experience but one day it gets better. I'm looking forward to a future that holds no comparison to my past.  I want to forget all the memories of my past and be made anew. I look forward to this end of a new beginning. I remember feelings this way before and honestly it seemed perfect when I thought the time had come. I've now learned that if  it looks to good to be true it probably is. Rear cases you know. Have you ever noticed if something is of true value or rareness it can be identified and appraised right away? So if you are that rare exception there will be no need for doubt. Next time around in that bliss, when I skip I'll look back to see the step I've missed. Sometimes in order to move forward we must look back and make mention of what we may have over-looked the first time around. Move forward stronger and wiser than ever before.

something you broke

"If you had help fixing something you broke

Wouldn't you still try your best to fix it?

I believe that it would show true sincerity

Over what was broken

The attempt to regain what was lost

Would be valiant if you really cared

An open reassurance of heart would be there

No room for question would ever need arise."

After all the lies
And forced tears
I was my own personal witness
To your confessing love for another
I still believed in your adjusted truth

After all the lies
And forced tears
Everytime you waited until I left
To admire and dote on Facebook and Messenger
Always for another
I still believed that I this time I could be enough

After all the lies
And forced tears
For every love letter pleading your case
Of your true love for another
Me you wrote no longer
I still believed you held some sincerity for me

After all the lies
And forced tears
When you accused me of infidelities
I didn't commit
All of which you used as fuel and reason
To presue and bed others
I still believed love could be healed

After all the lies
And forced tears
You still rejected all arguments
And repeated all the same treads
The worst of all humiliation damning my unborn
I still believed the unspoken apologies

After all the lies
And forced tears
You said you wanted to really be there
But actions drowned out the words
Late parties and club hopping 
All the repeated signs you wanted to be elsewhere
I still believed even when you weren't there

After all the lies
And forced tears
Then you pretended like you were the one in need of care
Played me like a fool
Used and trashed me
All for the others
Back to a true more comfortable you
Apologetic when caught
Only sorry you were found out

After all the lies
And forced care
You still aren't sincere
Continuous moves with the venom of a serpent
And slumber like a fugitive on the run
There are no actions nor words of true love
Or future commitments of 'I do'
I believe you left your heart in another's bed

daddy of two, father of one

He's sorry he couldn't be your first born
Or that you weren't there
When he cried his first tear
He's sorry you won't wipe his eyes
Because him you never hear

He's sorry his eyes aren't as bright
And he doesn't know the words
To make you smile outright
And hold him dear

He's sorry that you're not concerned
Whether he's livid or his bladder has turned
You won't feed him unless
He wails uncontrollably and yearns
Your arms don't comfort nor soothe his fears
He feels how it's cold
And the absence of love and sincerity there

He's sorry you don't take a thousand kodak pictures
And show how proud you are to the world
There are no dedicated portriats for him
Or the promised tattoo
As if you ever really cared

He's sorry he was planned
Then just as quickly unwanted
Aborted mentally and emotionally by you

Despite it all you need not apologize
Because this man will never understand
He loves' only big enough for one another

I'm sorry that he'll never see
The way your smile lights up the room
Or ever care enough to watch how peacefully you sleep
No matter never to mind
You are my heart promised for keeps

This love will never faulter
And you'll never question if I ever love you
Or how much never enough
No matter the cirscumstance
You'll always have mommy-near
Loving you forever
You are my baby bear

logic or heart

On day I'll be sitting as comfortably as you holding someone's heart. It's amazing when people are created from situations and there is another who will ultimatley and reap the benefits of your spoils. I suppose that what life is about not making a bed that you may ly in but for the benefit or lessons of others. I'm pensive in thought that this burden I ly I won't see me thru to an end and its vastly disappointing. It's like someone asking for time and in that time they're replacing you. This is breaking a heart I thought was all finished up. I am the defeated optimist and relationships are now becoming something of my past maybe I won't ever find that one and I'm now over the entire search. It's odd not believing in soul mates and then beleiving you've found the one to that reversal state maybe it was an unconvincing fable.

had to be the time

Is your heart for me
Can it really still be
This heart of mine won't let go
You are all of me
Embracing you I miss feeling
Our two hearts beating
Fingers tracing all forbidden places
Your heart cries out.

trivial

release me

There's a tugging in my chest
I can't breathe
Though I'm trying my best
My hearts about to ease
But I don't want that type of peace

I need you right here next to me
Can we go back to the night before

When you ran you fingers down my spine
Loosing all control
You knew you were mine

Stare at me again
Before loves' glare
Is no longer there

I'm aching for your touch
And yet love
You are not here soon enough

I need you to embrace me
Please don't chase me

Cruise Control

On cruise control....

There is no way that I'm letting life take its toll

All the decisions and paths I take are by choice

And I've learning to listen to my own inner voice

I'm sitting here and I'm missing

Missing from an entangled life that wouldn't let go

But I'm buckled in adjusting to these new setting

That I'm learning to know

This loving heart still breathes

Though it's skipped a few beats

I'm welcoming life's potential ease

And now I'm beginning to

Appreciate love's sweet melodic breeze

As I move through life unscripted

I'm embraced by characters

Eager and euphoric

I'm like a bird in first flight

I'm enjoying the essence of a different light

That only can bring prosperity

I want to fall in love with life

Come aboard

Chose a seat

Window, Isle

Or right next to me

My eyes are full;

Smile oh so bright,

My head held upright


I' m on rendezvous with loving life

Femme fatale...

Gawd!! I just feel like I'm in this bitch mode...everyone's so dramtic about everything!! From that shit over a month ago where I almost lost gawd knows what...lol....geez! I'm sooo over it....though it's not completly over...but I so don't need everyone's false pity and all the "if I were there...."and the "how could you....." and the "why are you....". uGH!! so frustrating I just want to scream at the top of my lungs... I don't need all that blah blah...if I wanted to hear what everyone had to say I would friggin' ask...Just the fact that I'm not talking or asking any of your guys about is...you'd think it would be enough to hint hint....back the fcuk up ay!!! The most annoying part of it all, is everyone asking to the same drawn out details over and over again. And like who's asking anybody to take sides?! I'm not looking for supporters to rally in my defense. When it's all said and done regardless of what the outcome is...it was MY choice and nooone else's. I don't get where ppl get off being so judgemental...I ALWAYS mind my own business...not like all their lives are perfect or can they even speak from experience and even so, how could anyone ever understand?! it didn't happen to you...you can't understand how I FEEL!!!! Then there're these labourers....are we here to be personal or professional...what the hell is there not something called procedure?! And you want to get all teary eyed over a few questions and a call. ..I swear these ppl are too sheltered...get some bloody backbone mayne!!!then ppl want to look at me like im some cold-hearted person...dayumm man I'm not looking for pity from anybody...I don't go running to someone with my problems every little second of everyday...do these ppl not kno what is to deal on their own shyte...its so pathetic to want to make every casual encounter or aquintance your BFF....omg!! get a fcukin' life ppl!!! are there not more important things going on in the world let alone our very own country to be touched about?!....And what I REALLY don't appreciated is in all aspects of it ppl wanted to "TALK" to you...knowing in all regards that whatever you say to them even in the most insiginificant and non-literal sense they have no intention of keeping any of it confidential...they're just their to feed the masses with more slander..just to make themselves feel like they're doing some justice by acting nice and looking down on the life of another..only because you don't think and act the same why they do...are we not in global society of individuality..where ppl define themselves..going against every sterotype and norm to whatever means all in the name of personal conquest...when it all comes down to it...that's all everyone is trying to do..figure out this thing we called life for themselves...even if they're stumbling and being brusied along the way..and to those that keep walking with your heads held high and not genuwinely giving a care to those who don't necessarily get it on their first, second, third or however many times it takes...keep your bitchassness the fcuk away from me!!!!self-righteous motherfuckers!! THEN there are those so called friends that slowly omit you from their lives ONLY to be heard from when they need something and in the end they want you to believe it's your fault b/c you've put someone else above them...like wtf...this was never a competition...ive taken my share of bad treatment in that department..yet i keep a genuwine smiling face...ive never claimed to be perfect..in fact if i had a disclaimer it would probably read...not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good...lol..that being said, i give ppl all the fair chances in the world and yet i still get burned... and no ill never be bitter.. what i would appreciate tho is for ppl to give me the same diligence i give them...but yea you can't alway get what you want..haha...so what if you miss a time or two.. a call or text....for everytime that it ever counted i was there and all the times you shit on me while i was there....and i never threw it in your face or held no annomosity towards you..yet now you take the easy way out when you think someone else has your back...more power to you...ill never be in a position to hold anyone back from being human... that being the ability to chose your own will...i will never be that person...i am not misery..and if you're one of the bright crayons in the box you'll know what the means...i kno that i am still the same girl that loves a good stomach turning laugh...the ones that bring happy tears to my eyes...i still enjoy feeling the rain on my face ...and the sand between my toes...i still love the feeling of the waves washing over me, and the sun hitting my brown skin, shaking my hair againt the wind, getting dressed up and the only memory of a perfect time is the internal one in my mind..i still crave wet kisses and long hugs that lift my spirit in the air...i love this life...i'm flying!!!!!!!