manic addict

I poured out a cap of my love;
one shot or two? choose,
take me in small doses;
I'll be better for you.

Too eager;
and you'll ill of me quickly,
With an after-taste;
oh so bitter-sweet,
Take just enough so you earn for me.

Close enough so you;
feel me breathe,
through these medicinal words I speak.

Don't be delinquent,
you'll miss me terribly;
With quite the urgency.

Take your prescribed doses;
I promise you'll grow to love,
your dependence of me.

As for you;
I want you all at once,
my addiction is already you .

Broken

Called a player today

A lover tomorrow

Forever more she

I can't help if this is where

Love comes to die

Sorrows inadvertently multiple

Feelings and promises dissipate

This heart can't reciprocate 

Don't follow me I'm lost too

At least I have been for a long while, 
I'm finding myself  
And loving who I'm becoming once again.
That should be the tell tale of life right?!
To become better
Not to be stunted where you once were
Life brought be back. 

Love til it hurts, when it hurts there's only Love left

NOTE TO SELF: YOU CAN'T ENJOY THE PRESENT IF YOU'RE STUCK IN THE PAST...
To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find their own happiness without expecting them to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

i am enough

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

A Poem for Swingers by Charles Bukowski

I like women who haven’t lived with too many men.
I don’t expect virginity but I simply prefer women
Who haven’t been rubbed raw by experience.

There is a quality about women who choose
Men sparingly;
It appears in their walk
In their eyes
In their laughter and in their
Gentle hearts.

Women who have had too many men
Seem to choose the next one
Out of revenge rather than with
Feeling.

When you play the field selfishly everything
Works against you:
One can’t insist on love or
Demand affection.
You’re finally left with whatever
You have been willing to give
Which often is:
Nothing.

Some women are delicate things
Some women are delicious and
Wondrous.

If you want to piss on the sun
Go ahead
But please leave them
Alone.

encompassed by profound thoughts

Tank along with my oldies from Etta Jones to The Temptations, have been my Mellow playlist as of late. Seemingly melancholy but not quite just enjoying the stories loves telling from loving making to heart aching as I continue to document my own journey.

In another life I'd make you stay, so I wouldn't have to say you were the one that got away

For broken hearts:

You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. 
Don't. It's a bad word, belong.
You can't own a human being. 
You can't lose what you don't own. 
Suppose you did own him. 
Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? 
You really want somebody like that?
Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? 
You don't, do you?
And neither does he.
You're turning over your whole life to him.
Your whole life.
And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, 
Hand it to him, 
Then why should it mean any more to him? 
He can't value you more than you value yourself.

Love yourself, so you recognize when its practiced on you.

In Love with my Journey

I'm amazed with the blessings
That my daily life brings
God is making me aware
Of a greatness that's always 
Been within me.


The universe knew this
But I wasn't focused
Eyes open
But still I missed it

See I was sending
Mixed signals
So the past was always
Mixed up
Always needing to be
Fixed up


Now the scales of have been
Knifed away from my eyes 
And my mind
I've realized resolve
And its always been so much involved
Than the premature
Only what I saw


It's a depth beyond
The surface
I'm learning it's better to 
Understand than be understood
To embrace
Learning to love  God's way
Than being loved my way

Enemies 
And challenges
Aren't the physical
But this is real
A manifestation within me

I am the magnet for my life
Drawn to creating righteous over right
Focused on loving every aspect of my life
Continually breathing positivity
Over strife

even when its not happy there's always an ending

This year
The world didn't come to and end
An Apocalypse didn't cease to halt our existence

Though I feel mines has halted in more ways than one
Now his hugs aren't mine anymore
He'll never kiss me deeply
With me he shifted repeatedly
Gears never quite found its fit

I had bent and break
Cleaning and washing
All the grim that I could get out
I missed the stained washed tears
Nothing covered the open wounds
The untainted words 
And unforgivable action

He  made the final current call
But it wasn't me he was trying to figure out
Not my language of love but anothers'
All this time wasted and abused
Not one bit amused
Love removed

"I'm done"  all the wondering
Headache
Heartache
Figuring out
Time out

Repeated rendezvous of mistaken love
There was always another miss
He misses reaches to reunite with 
Or make a night with

This Love
Will never be enough
Not where he wants to be
His aim is much better
Do better love
Take care 



  

Heart

This is now

Alot can make a heart so cruel
Ruthless and unwilling to rule
After all the wrong the right will come along
I fight to keep Love alive
In a place so frigid and cold
This heart's destroyed
And every beat seems so much less than the one before
Someday the one will come
Until then I fight to keep a beaten heart beat alive.

slowy madly deeply

That's the way my love's for you
Though we sometimes
Wish things differently
This hearts' mastered the art
Much more than perfectly

I'll say the things that need to be heard
And I promise I'll listen when its your turn
But my heart you
May no longer lure
To disgrace and betray

It's been tried
And continually
Proven true
Only to you

This is a final chance
To prove yours can be too
Let's try
Slowly, madly, deeply
Love its me and you

the wickedest lesson in history

Still no difference nor new moves made
When left to your own devices
You are the same
Untamed and mesmerized by the game

When your attempt at resolution
Is forgotten as you drift asleep
You're never meaningful
When you speak to me

I hope this you
Will be one you never regret
As for me
I'm not afraid anymore
There is no mistake
For what God allows undone

I am my own life's lesson
As you are continually drawn
To the virtual comforts of others
That you'll surely manifest into flesh
I must find resolution
And soothing elsewhere

I remember a time before
You told that even in the end
Still you wouldn't want to let go
This resonates aloud
Maybe your end for us was long ago

My dreams are haunted by your favorite girls
And there your arms arch her back
Your fingers caress her curves
Night after night you are hers

I awake with tears
Drowning in a past love
Swiftly Lord order my steps
No one deserves a love like this

down but not out

I've always embraced the statement 'to err is human and to forgive is divine', this I really always believed. Though sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness they're afforded it nonetheless. Yet some people don't deserve forgiveness because there is no true remorse for their wrong-doings. I guess the best example would be to persons who are imprisoned and have out-right admitted to the crimes but are not convicted within themselves. Many convicted felons would say they aren't sorry for the crime they committed. However I am speaking from the stand point of relationships and forgiveness therein. Relationships seem to be one of the biggest fails of mankind. From the creation of Adam and Eve, relationships were misunderstood. Adam and Eve failed one another and most of all God, but there was no forgiveness there. God removed them immediately from the Garden of Eden which he promised because of disobedience and in turn all mankind suffered in sin. Sometimes there is no room for forgiveness. Some may rule, that God later sent grace and forgiveness through his Son and the Holy Spirit but the wrong-doing of Adam and Eve's sin could never be over-shadowed mankind is a bondage of strong holds.

I've been the forgiver and most definately the forgiven in my own personal relationships. I can admit to some of my own that is certain but honestly apologies are worthless if the actions that follow are not sincere. I know its a big assumption to say that most apologies aren't sincere but I really believe they aren't especially in relationships. People are always aware of their actions and can identify with how they would react if the tables were turned so to speak. I understand that some things happen without real thought of consequence. We make mistakes because of our own human natures but it is unfair to say "I'm only human". You're right but so is the other 2.5+ billion people on planet earth, thus your argument is over-ruled. I believe that in relationships people chose to manipulate each others emotions by abusing each others weaknesses and care for the other. Which just goes to show the sincerity was never there to begin with especially where remorse should now be present. I believe if you are given a chance to make things right after mistake and you follow along that same path ultimately the action will be repeated or will become worse. I've been guilty of such many times but I've grown much and now I feel I'm at a point in life where I'd appreciate true genuineness and sincerity without agenda a love that has my best interest at heart.

Some people believe that humans are actually good at heart and then there is the other side that believe human beings are creatures of betrayal and opportunity. I am the difference I believe human beings are both it's just by choice what you allow yourself to become despite background, circumstance or experience in the end inevitably you make the choice of who you allow yourself to become. I promised myself along time ago that no matter the experiences I am afforded I will never become a bitter person. I still believe in a heart of love and faithfulness. I know it's real that you can feel your heart not beat as strong as it once did, you can sit and feel a broken heart in your chest, you can ly down and not sleep because of the hurt and pain your heart can experience but one day it gets better. I'm looking forward to a future that holds no comparison to my past.  I want to forget all the memories of my past and be made anew. I look forward to this end of a new beginning. I remember feelings this way before and honestly it seemed perfect when I thought the time had come. I've now learned that if  it looks to good to be true it probably is. Rear cases you know. Have you ever noticed if something is of true value or rareness it can be identified and appraised right away? So if you are that rare exception there will be no need for doubt. Next time around in that bliss, when I skip I'll look back to see the step I've missed. Sometimes in order to move forward we must look back and make mention of what we may have over-looked the first time around. Move forward stronger and wiser than ever before.

someone will love me this way

Without him, tomorrow wouldn't be worth the wait ; Yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering. No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one that knows what my heart sounds like from the inside

something you broke

"If you had help fixing something you broke

Wouldn't you still try your best to fix it?

I believe that it would show true sincerity

Over what was broken

The attempt to regain what was lost

Would be valiant if you really cared

An open reassurance of heart would be there

No room for question would ever need arise."

After all the lies
And forced tears
I was my own personal witness
To your confessing love for another
I still believed in your adjusted truth

After all the lies
And forced tears
Everytime you waited until I left
To admire and dote on Facebook and Messenger
Always for another
I still believed that I this time I could be enough

After all the lies
And forced tears
For every love letter pleading your case
Of your true love for another
Me you wrote no longer
I still believed you held some sincerity for me

After all the lies
And forced tears
When you accused me of infidelities
I didn't commit
All of which you used as fuel and reason
To presue and bed others
I still believed love could be healed

After all the lies
And forced tears
You still rejected all arguments
And repeated all the same treads
The worst of all humiliation damning my unborn
I still believed the unspoken apologies

After all the lies
And forced tears
You said you wanted to really be there
But actions drowned out the words
Late parties and club hopping 
All the repeated signs you wanted to be elsewhere
I still believed even when you weren't there

After all the lies
And forced tears
Then you pretended like you were the one in need of care
Played me like a fool
Used and trashed me
All for the others
Back to a true more comfortable you
Apologetic when caught
Only sorry you were found out

After all the lies
And forced care
You still aren't sincere
Continuous moves with the venom of a serpent
And slumber like a fugitive on the run
There are no actions nor words of true love
Or future commitments of 'I do'
I believe you left your heart in another's bed

daddy of two, father of one

He's sorry he couldn't be your first born
Or that you weren't there
When he cried his first tear
He's sorry you won't wipe his eyes
Because him you never hear

He's sorry his eyes aren't as bright
And he doesn't know the words
To make you smile outright
And hold him dear

He's sorry that you're not concerned
Whether he's livid or his bladder has turned
You won't feed him unless
He wails uncontrollably and yearns
Your arms don't comfort nor soothe his fears
He feels how it's cold
And the absence of love and sincerity there

He's sorry you don't take a thousand kodak pictures
And show how proud you are to the world
There are no dedicated portriats for him
Or the promised tattoo
As if you ever really cared

He's sorry he was planned
Then just as quickly unwanted
Aborted mentally and emotionally by you

Despite it all you need not apologize
Because this man will never understand
He loves' only big enough for one another

I'm sorry that he'll never see
The way your smile lights up the room
Or ever care enough to watch how peacefully you sleep
No matter never to mind
You are my heart promised for keeps

This love will never faulter
And you'll never question if I ever love you
Or how much never enough
No matter the cirscumstance
You'll always have mommy-near
Loving you forever
You are my baby bear

time will reveal that you're the one who's loosing

I fell for this boy
When the leaves started to fall from the trees
(11.03.08)
Ever since weve gone through alot of stuff
But could never quite live without each other enough
To let a love like this go to waste
Then the toxic love
Put a bullet through his brain

Take me away from here, take me somewhere where love is like breathing

-John Legend

I'm ready

I've thought long and hard
And I've prayed longer and harder.
I'm ready to say 'I do'
And see all the promises come true

I want to see him down on one knee
Traditionally is meant for me
He'll take me by the hand
As tears weld
I know this moment

When the ring is finally in its place
I won't hesitate to tell the world
Of my infallibly good fate
Save the dates
Announcements
Invites plus two
I'm ready to say 'I do'

The ceremony will take place
At our secret garden
We'll walk down the isle
Covered in a canopy of flowers
Casablanca
Calla Lilies
And Orchids
Will all perfume our sun-kissed skin

This time I'll take his hand
And recite vows that will be made daily anew
I'm ready to say 'I do'

I know I'll have tears of joy
Instead the ones of hurt and pain.
I'm ready to say 'I do'
Take off on honeymoon
And this time see it through

I'll do anything you ask
I promise I can prove once again
I'm committed and true
Pop the question
I'm ready to say 'I do'

For our first kiss on next week

For when we make love in six weeks

For the ring you wore proudly six months from now

For when you said 'I do' next March

And for those beautiful children of ours

Yes, I know it might sound strange cause we just met

But I thank you in advance

-Boys II Men